Just for Fun

[homerfobe]

Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone told me that pms is mentioned in the bible... Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:----"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: What can an older woman do for crow's feet and all those wrinkles on her face?
A: Go braless. That'll will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should senior citizens use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for senior citizens to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should senior citizens look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by senior citizens when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

[Mr.B]

Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: At the bank.

[Wneglia]

At Masters Tournament

[bannination]

[homerfobe]

'Squirrel Drops Nut'. Which one of you wingNUTS did he drop?

[O Really]

Yeah, yeah, I know the guy has serious mental issues, and attempted suicide isn't really funny...but still - guy cuts off his dick and then tries to kill himself by jumping off a TWO-story building? Is it possible to be too dumb for a Darwin Award? http://www.eonline.com/news/532749/wu-t ... de-attempt

[bannination]

Yeah, yeah, I know the guy has serious mental issues, and attempted suicide isn't really funny...but still - guy cuts off his dick and then tries to kill himself by jumping off a TWO-story building? Is it possible to be too dumb for a Darwin Award? http://www.eonline.com/news/532749/wu-t ... de-attempt

Top comment: "Why couldn't it have been Bieber???"

[JTA]

Yeah, yeah, I know the guy has serious mental issues, and attempted suicide isn't really funny...but still - guy cuts off his dick and then tries to kill himself by jumping off a TWO-story building? Is it possible to be too dumb for a Darwin Award? http://www.eonline.com/news/532749/wu-t ... de-attempt

Seems like he could've skipped the part where he chops off his weiner.

[Mr.B]

According to the Office for National Statistics:

190,374 people are having sex right now

212,130 are kissing

and some of you poor buggers are reading this........

[Mr.B]

"What, you can't multi-task?"

At my age, multi-tasking is built into the preparations....

[Mr.B]

"At my age..."

Not that type of preparation.....sorta, kinda like the scenario below....

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
***********************************************************************************
At 8

You take her to bed and tell her a story

***********************************************************************************
At 18

You tell her a story and take her to bed

***********************************************************************************
At 28

You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed

***********************************************************************************
At 38

She tells you a story and takes you to bed

***********************************************************************************
At 48

She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

***********************************************************************************
At 58

You stay in bed to avoid her story

***********************************************************************************
At 68

If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

***********************************************************************************
At 78

What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?

[Mr.B]

THE GOOD NAPKINS–

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet.

I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up Dad's brother and his wife
for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter.
Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.
Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a
'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top.

I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'

[Mr.B]

I for one, am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South,
and I challenge any so-called "smart " Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO
(D) '54 Chevrolet pickup

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM.
The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre; the plot is 2.3 acres in size.
The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser's can he drink before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 4x4 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation.
The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet, and the porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine.
When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a North Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a holler (hollow) with an average slope of 15%.
The man has five children.
Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH.
The brakes fail.
Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town,
which has been bypassed by the Interstate, to breed a country-western singer?

[rstrong]

21-metre runaway beer blimp loose over New Brunswick

What could have become a national crisis died down when it was reported that there was no actual beer on-board.

[rstrong]

Looks photoshopped. Badly.

[Mr.B]

If pot was legalized, this would never have happened!!

[Mr.B]

Southern Ingenuity

One morning 3 South Carolina good old boys and 3 Yankees were in a ticket line at the Spartanburg train station heading to Columbia for a big football game.

The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them.

"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South.

When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.
He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The Conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to the Columbia train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment,
the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees.

"Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys.

When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom.
He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".

There's just no way on this earth to explain how the Yankees won the war.

[Wneglia]

[JTA]

Southern Ingenuity

One morning 3 South Carolina good old boys and 3 Yankees were in a ticket line at the Spartanburg train station heading to Columbia for a big football game.

The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them.

"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South.

When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.
He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The Conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to the Columbia train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment,
the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees.

"Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys.

When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom.
He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".

There's just no way on this earth to explain how the Yankees won the war.

Mr. B is that you in your new avatar pic? When did you cut off your dreadlocks?

[Mr.B]

"When did you cut off your dreadlocks?"

Six months ago.